I cannot pin point the exact year but around 2015-2017 is when depression hit hard. At the same the question that I had been asking myself for years "what's wrong with me" finally started to make since. Working with various summer camps, educational programs and a lot of training, I began to suspect that my issue was that I was undiagnosed on the autism spectrum. After years of wondering and being afraid about publicly sharing what I suspected, I finally made them public in a video. This led to a friend referring me to an owner of a center and someone in the field. After an assessment over lunch, he told me that he believes that I am correct. Although I am 100 percent certain that I am, unsuspected doubt soon followed. After all, I worked with many autistic kids and adults, so after all this time, it feels unnatural saying that I am autistic.
Using my faith to process this leads me to believes that although I didn't know, God knew and was protecting me in ways that I didn't know. At the same time I had completely lost desire to do music after 15 years. However I wanted a chance to audibly say the words "I'm autistic" and writing one more song seemed like the way.
Desiderium is a desire for something lost. At the time I felt like I was losing my faith and myself. Writing the song helped me process a lot of that and was basically a form of the therapy I needed. Also what was supposed to be a one off turned into a resurgence into the music field. If you struggle with any simular issues, I encourage you to not run from them but take them on.