Today’s music scene is about singles, singles and more singles. I recently saw a hip hop channel, who critiques music every Friday, say that nobody new should be making albums. Although in today’s streaming and tik tok world, I understand why having a fire single for the purpose of a video or playlist is helpful. But I often wonder, what happened to the art of album making? I remember the days when you waited for an artist to release their record. You had to actually go to the store to buy it. The album art and album booklet brought you into the record. Maybe buy it with some friends, grab food, and go listen to the album. Artists used to take albums so serious that they would create dozens of songs to maybe get a perfect 10 song album. The sequencing of songs in an album is what separates it from a random collection of songs. One of my favorite albums is Hybrid Theory by Linkin Park. The album has a perfect pacing that makes listening to it from beginning to end almost like a movie. Streaming doesn’t pay much, so people are almost forced to drop single after single for revenue, but I hope that the art of creating albums returns.
I cannot pin point the exact year but around 2015-2017 is when depression hit hard. At the same the question that I had been asking myself for years "what's wrong with me" finally started to make since. Working with various summer camps, educational programs and a lot of training, I began to suspect that my issue was that I was undiagnosed on the autism spectrum. After years of wondering and being afraid about publicly sharing what I suspected, I finally made them public in a video. This led to a friend referring me to an owner of a center and someone in the field. After an assessment over lunch, he told me that he believes that I am correct. Although I am 100 percent certain that I am, unsuspected doubt soon followed. After all, I worked with many autistic kids and adults, so after all this time, it feels unnatural saying that I am autistic.
Using my faith to process this leads me to believes that although I didn't know, God knew and was protecting me in ways that I didn't know. At the same time I had completely lost desire to do music after 15 years. However I wanted a chance to audibly say the words "I'm autistic" and writing one more song seemed like the way.
Desiderium is a desire for something lost. At the time I felt like I was losing my faith and myself. Writing the song helped me process a lot of that and was basically a form of the therapy I needed. Also what was supposed to be a one off turned into a resurgence into the music field. If you struggle with any simular issues, I encourage you to not run from them but take them on.